That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
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