i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
I hate men. But I love dick. You see my problem?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Randomize
