I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Where can I buy a trophy for a Groupie Award?
She had sex with a merch guy. . . band guys make you groupies, Merch guys just means she's easy.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Pretty sure my first birthday present will be a pic of an 18-year-old's cock. And I am OK with that
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
Randomize
