look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Randomize
