Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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