The human being growing inside of her was a mistake. Lets just hope the boyfriend isn't.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
Randomize
