I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
Randomize
