FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Randomize
