nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
Randomize
