I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
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