her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
