"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
