Remember when you weren't going to be a shit show?
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
