omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Randomize
