Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time
well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
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