i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
Randomize
