Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
