Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
