yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
