i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Did I change midway through last night?
Seven times. The most notable outfits were UFC Fighter and Top Hat Viking
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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