He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
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