Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Look bro I'll go half per boob with you, we split her.
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
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