In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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