dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
