I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Randomize
