i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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