please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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