I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
