What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
