I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
