I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
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He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
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That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
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