Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
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