would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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