if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
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