you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
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