Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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