We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
Most sexually ambiguous night of my life. Kept switching from the NBA finals to the Tonys.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
