i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
Randomize
