Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
The best revenge is premature balding
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Randomize
