Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
This is the high leading the old right now
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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