You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
