I just made out with a guy for $7.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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