Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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