What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
gonna stay in tonight
and im a platypus. shotgun a beer and get your dick to this party. ive got some hot friends visiting
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