I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
Randomize
