I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
