Just cropdusted the office
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
