OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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