Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
