My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
