Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
