I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize