I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
He's going to be in the air guitar championships in june. Need I say more.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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