dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
He's like a father figure to me, except we have casual drunk sex every now and then
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Randomize
