I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
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