My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
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i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
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I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
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