my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
