I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Randomize
